What You Must Not Miss!!!

Life is incomplete without that soul-mate who would add magic to what would otherwise be a boring existence. In our search for this special someone, we usually set certain standards that a person must meet before we even consider him as a likely candidate. “He must be this tall”, a lady may say.  “He must have money and at least a car”, another may say. It is a certain fact that every guy wants his girl to be pretty. All these traits are certainly wonderful, but there are some traits you must not miss when choosing your partner.

I attended a youth conference sometime last month (July 2010) and listened to a particular speaker (Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo) who said it all in a message he tagged “Who You Marry”. This is an adaptation of his message and as this list certainly isn’t exhaustive, I hope it would help you make the right choice.

1. The person MUST be a Christian. You cannot share a lifetime with someone who doesn’t share something as basic as your faith with you. This is a point that cannot be overemphasized. A Christian is more than just a moralist. A Christian refuses to sin, because sin is not in his nature. He may not be perfect, but he strives to please his heavenly Father. This is important because a Christian partner would always uphold you when you are weak, as iron sharpens iron. Don’t forget that our stay here is only temporary and there is a greater home beyond here.  So quit anything that would prevent you from making home.
2. The person MUST have sound character. A lot of people are so interested in the physical traits of a person, that they miss the more important invisible but very real ones. The fact that a person attends church does not mean he has good character. “How do I know a person has sound character?” you may ask. ‘Therefore, you will fully know them by their fruit’ (Matthew 7:20). You must not be in a haste to make that important decision. Take your time to study the person. You would always notice what a person can and cannot do by the way he talks, his mannerism and how he treats others. Even if he is acting out, keep watching. You can also know a person better by getting to know his friends. You can never be too careful!
3. Check out for compatibility. This does not mean that you must be similar or alike. It is however important that you can get along with the person. Do you have the same values? You may both be Christians, but you may not agree on certain important issues. Some may be solved by compromise, but there are certain core values that must align, else there would be a lot of conflict. Another test of compatibility is your goals and ambitions. What are his future plans? Does she plan to work or be a stay-at-home mother?  The answers to these questions and other similar one would help you avoid future challenges.
4. Look out for companionship. Have you ever wondered what married couples do?  Most of us would be married for much longer than we have been single so far. So what would you do with your partner all year long? If you are not friends with your partner, then marriage would be a very long and boring journey. You should be close friends who love each other’s company. This is the reason must counselors would suggest that you marry you friend. You may love him now, and she may be all you need now, but the romance would fade with time, and only true friendship would last. If you are not real friends now, make it your top priority.
5. Does the person have the capacity to handle a relationship? Capacity is a measure of maturity. It is a test of your ability to handle the challenges that come in a relationship and eventually marriage. Is the person able to make decisions on his own without external influence? Can he handle the pressures? Many relationships and marriages have crashed because of external influences from relatives and friends. Capacity is a measure of physical maturity, emotional maturity and spiritual maturity. These traits are important for any relationship that would stand the test of time.

Remember that you would only attract who you are. So build yourself, until you also have the traits you want your future spouse to possess.

The Science of Love

We are all familiar with the art of love - the emotions, romance, tenderness and the likes, and we spend so many get so distracted by these, that they don’t take time to study the inner workings. The Science of Love in this discussion refers to the logical study of love, which would lead to self-discovery and assist you in making that important decision.

We all have different character traits, and this affects our thought pattern and indeed how we love. It is important you discover who you are and then you know who to look for.  I sincerely hope you would discover yourself as you read and this discovery would assist you in building a meaningful relationship.

Choleric Love

For people with choleric temperament dating is not fun like it is with sanguine people. Choleric people approach dating in the same manner they approach other issues in their lives - they analyze their hopes and needs, as well as the potential partner. It is crucial that this potential partner shares their goals and interests, because choleric people need someone to exchange ideas and talk about what interests them, like science and politics. They need a mind mate.

People with this temperament are attracted by those who are good listeners, smart at handling conflicts and disagreements and have other recognized social skills. While they analyze and hide their own emotions, choleric people look for someone who is emotionally expressive, flexible and even hesitant. Often phlegmatic people are their choice.

Choleric people usually are not interested in several relationships at once and have little dating experience when they are young. They may act awkwardly. If they don't envision future with you and are not interested in you they may treat you with neglect and be very impatient. Because of their forthright style and take-charge approach they are likely to end the relationship abruptly when you may not even expect it.

On the other hand, if they find someone who they think is worth of their time and effort, they will focus intensively on that person. They can be very romantic and are ready for a deep commitment. Instead of expressing their emotions they will focus on pleasing you by getting you what you want. They like to be needed so describe them your problems and difficulties and they will try to fix it for you.

Between all four temperaments, this temperament “falls in love” less frequently. They have only few serious relationships during their lives. However if they decided to build a relationship they don't leave it easily even if it wasn't exactly what they wanted, because they don't like to change their minds.

Building your relationship right (The Foundation)

Many relationships fail today because they were not founded on solid foundations. If the foundation is destroyed, the builders would have to break down whatever structure they had and start all over again.
Before considering a relationship, some of the foundations that you must consider include

1. Maturity. Before you even consider entering into a relationship, you must be considered an adult because there are somethings you may not be able to handle as a kid. The truth is that relationships are for the matured and only those who are ready for the challenges would enjoy it. Maturity is not however restricted to age. Anyone considering a relationship must also be emotionally matured. Such a person should be complete on his/her own before venturing into any relationship. You should never enter a relationship because you can not stay alone or because you are lonely. If you do that, you would over time become a burden to your partner. Be satisfied with your singlehood first, before diving into a relationship. Finally, you must also be spiritually matured. We are growing to be better and better, but you must be one who know your God and you should have reached some levels with Him. There are some challenges you may not be able to face alone and that is where the God you know would really matter.
2. Market value. I'm sure you would onlu want to enter a relationship with someone you admire and respect. I guess you would like some traits in the person, traits that make the person stand out. However, remember that you must have something of value to get something of value. You can only purchase a value good in the market with substance (i.e. money). SO if you want to enter into a relationship with someone of value, you must have value first. Relationship is about give and take. Scriptures say that iron sharpens iron. If you don't have 'market value', then you may not be able to get that guy or girl of your dreams. Even if you succeed in getting the person,, the relationship would only last for a while. SO before you consider taking the plunge and getting into that relationship, make sure you are valuable.
3. Discover yourself and where you are headed to.I believe that a relationship is like a journey with a driver (the man) and a passenger (the woman). Would you ever enter a car with a driver that does not know where he is headed to? Or would you pick a passenger who tells you any direction is OK by me? The persons in a relationship are supposed to complement each other, and this is only possible when they both have an idea of where they are headed. You may not have a full picture, but you must atleast have an idea. What are your future plans? What has God purposed for you? Where are you headed to? When you are able to answer these questions, then you would know the kind of person you would need to accomplish them. Adam was busy in the garden before God created Eve to be a helper to him. Don't see a relationship as fun alone. It is a whole lot of work and commitment too. So before taking that bold step, make sure you know where you are going and the kind of person you need to get there.

Here are some questions. Let me hear your opinions.

• What is the purpose of a relationship?
• Is casual dating wrong?